Dec 15, 2017

No Title

Life is a constant struggle! Been ages I have been just to myself, nobody would know me better than myself. I'm born in different situations. I'm grown up differently. I live, think, feel differently. Repeated contemplations,  failing thoughts, feelings, culminating the emotions to realise you are grown so big that you have to be self reliant. Freezed situations  around you, constant battle in the mind - juggling with education, profession, spiritual growth, personal growth, handling those people who judge me every moment by my thoughts, by my faith, by my values! Yes because am different for no reason! etc.. How can I be like others when am not made to be that way?

There's no queue system. Everything moves concurrently showing what life throws at you. You forget the day and night, activity and the rest, darkness and brightness. 24 hrs a day falls short pushing one feel the imparmanence of life!!

The Life, Faith, Surrender... how difficult it is to face people who question my existence! You didn't take birth with me? You didn't grow with me? You didn't even try to know me? You don't have to live with me? You don't have to die with me? What for is this constant effort??? God must have blessed me with this life for some reason? Whom do I need to prove it to??

The most painful feeling is to know that parents are grown so old that you can only pray for their well being than sharing your sorrows & make them further weak and you remain a kiddo facing infinite challenges in life all alone. Someone said Age has nothing to do with maturity. So apt!

These difficulties had to begin at the end of this year. Envisaging the most challenging year ahead!! #NewYear2018

Unsure of what's GOOD for me in the new year!

But there's this unknown Power which keeps directing me in the right path.  #MyMaster!!

Sep 28, 2016

Time not so favorable!

Been a month blogging... facing challenges back  to back. No matter how many people you have in your life, at certain situations people judge you at their low level of mind. Instead of asking how's life treating you? They would just accuse and walk away. Cheapest moral values is what they carry! However, cowards are those who don't  turn back.

With whole heartedly I wish my friends the best life. No matter what toll it takes on my life, if I fail to stand by them unconditionally, I would  be living a worthless life.

Remember at times Almighty goes to sleeping mode. Make noise, so you awake HIM with complete awareness to address your issues. Allow ur subconscious mind to work.  Pray, surrender... feel free.

Aug 31, 2016


Going in circles....

There's  tremendous  effect of death on the mind. No matter whom you lose. How close the person was to you. Known or unknown...

Losing someone to death is worst than a person walking away, stop caring and loving you.

Everything  has been changing  rapidly. Life  throws  such sharp stones at you that it's better to let go than to catch  them.

Heart longs for someone who can be by you everytime you are down when the whole world let's you down.

Someone  who could just say 'everything is gonna be alrite, stay strong'.

Whom to be with? Whom to choose? Whom will remain with you till your last breath?

Aug 23, 2016

A Way!!

Yes. Since yesterday I have been partially relieved from my constant ankle pain due to fracture. It's been more than a fortnight I went away... nobody bothered to check if I was okay...

Society doesn't respect women who are not wealthy, who don't dress up well, who don't show off, who are not high headed, who live a simple average life.

I have always faced lack of skill to differentiate one from other.

All that grew in my heart as I grew mentally, physically is just LOVE. No matter how I behave, what I talk, what I write, have always carried the quotient of concern and respect for others. I have just born something as a mismatch to this world with a list of abilities and disabilities which nobody neither accepted till today nor anyone would in future.

Does anyone on this earth even have the capability to recongnise goodness? People are so caught up in worldy desires - Sex, relationships, money, status. At the end of the day eveything is either burried or burnt. We merge into the THE MOTHER EARTH.

I have remained an odd one out. Stand separate in the  crowd for a reason people lack LOVE. Every moment you get judged for being different.

Someone recently asked me what makes you live like this? I wonder how I live to their eyes. I have been used to live a quiet loner life. Why do you need people in life? With so many around.. my whole world is within me. I gather the courage to face challenges alone.

No mattter what my spiritual growth is the only motto of my life. If you match be with me else find your way!

Aug 20, 2016

Life will offer whatever is destined!

No matter how good soul you carry, life F**** repeatedly. Living with infinite questions.

I feel extremely disturbed and helpless today. Iiving most painful days all alone. The whole world is caught up in their own routines. There is not even single person to check how am I recovering. It clearly proved what was I to anyone. The world around me seems to be sinking.  With all the courage, supressing my own struggles I was always upto check on people if they would need any help. People have been accusing me for every reason instead.

Today I'm driven with a reverse gear losing my reflexes, which used to be precise and sharp always. All my skills of impromptu poem composing, singing, mending this body to twists n turns is fading away. 

What is the motivation for survival? Family? Friends? My students? My volunteers? My practice? My job Or My Master??

Whom to be grategul to? Whom to have this honour and gratitude for? Whom to keep this faith on? Whom to follow? Whom to weep for?

The people are betraying me yet again.

The ones I always counted on.
The ones I always loved.
The ones I always longed to be with.
The ones who completely depended on me.
The ones who took help from me.
The ones who always cared fir me.

The dots were laid in symmetry. Lines were joined simmetrically. Now the lines are wiped, so the dots gradually.

Mind is absolutely filled with self inquiry.

I have been living with my own disabilities from childhood that can not be cried out to anyone. All the humiliations, jealousy, selfishness of others, challenges of studying in local languages and the whole lot of struggle to pick up on English at the age I was suppose to be at job was the most challenging. Im not born with a special case. Im not been the beauty like other women out there. Im not even been an average girl. Im below the cut off line. The struggles of my life are nonending and has shed tremondous impact. None on this earth have tried to know me for any good reason.

Just like any other girl, with great dreams stepped into the court of marriage without knowing what life had to offer me. In speck of time, everything was tossed,  fried and trashed. Haven't I tried to be upto everyone's expectation? Have I not transformed myself to fit in their lives? Have I ever escaped from my due duties? Where and when was I at fault?? Have I not been adapting myself to other's shoes? Have I not killed my own dreams and even the tiniest wishes? Have I not been available for help in anyway expected? What else is left with me that people would attack me as wolves and I could offer back??  Gradually something stuck my mind. Life is given by the Almighty, we have no right to give up without his consent. One can satisfy the needy but not the greedy.

Am I worth to be of anything et'll? Is it the seasons? I have lost the habit of interveining in others life unless they feel am worth to share their lifestory. Does that mean I dont care for them? Why can't people share on their own?? Do I need to repeatedly prove my love and concern? How tiring that could be?? Can people ever understand this?? 

In the long run people question my existance. They judge me easily. They take the liberty to accuse me, my lifestyle, my path, my Guru. What can I let go? Do they even know me a bit? Do they know my struggles? What a toll has this life taken over me? Being happy, being positive and smiling...I have uplifted myself..on my own without none to shoulder on. 

Yet again I can see the same trend of my life.

People come and go out of my life at their wish. It's a freeway. Especially on the good move of their life, they tend to forget me easily. Not even a single line of courtesy. They stop communicating. They block me off easily. People are self centric, secretive, carry duality... what they show may not be what the real them. Whom can I have faith on??

 Most painful is to get betrayed.

I feel worthless and shattered. Where have I gone wrong? How much more I can mend myself? It's tiresome. I expected people to be of a bit soft hearted to understand me. It's in vain. Total vain....

This looks to be the journey of life. It's full of selfish souls. They come, f*** you, and continue with their life happily.  There is no value for love, care, concern. There is no value for relationships. My existence has no value. 

Live with it untill the breath stops.

All that remains is emptiness. Total vaccum. Yet all that remains is my heart with the wellwishes to everyone for a reason. For a reason. Yes for a reason..

Futheron there will be no entry for anyone in my life.. 

Those who come with selfish motives...

Those who come to exploit me emotionally, physically or financially.... 

Those who try to give fake hopes and dreams....

Those who try to trick me off my vision in life...

Those who temporarily seek my support...

I won't be kind anymore for a reason world has no place for good souls. Let it die again again until it really dies. I will punish myself for the wrong deeds and the sins I did. Will die to the last breath.

Aug 19, 2016

Some thought instigating lines!

--- When you leave this body, the first person you meet on the other side is your Guru. So it's must to have a Guru in life.

--- When you shed your insecurities, your behavior with everyone becomes normal.  Greatest enemy of blossoming is insecurity. Insecurity dulls intellect, deteriorates immune system, colors perception. Trust helps. There are lot of good people on this planet & their protection is with you. Today (Sharad Purnima) is the day to shut the insecurities in your mind. The goodness in the Universe shall protect you. Stop being insecure and wake up! There is a lot of love on this planet and there is no need to be anxious. Greatest impediment to blossoming is insecurity.

Aug 17, 2016

Strength is in Compassion

Feeling so strong and well, I'm able to forget my own frailties, misfortunes, troubles, sickness. I'm growing out more stronger for those who are weak. My strength is in the power of understanding and the wisdom to act with gentleness and kind concern for those who are not in situation to help themselves. Ability to empathize to show true insight and ability to aid are my real gifts. Real hallmarks of true compassion and strength.