No matter how good soul you carry, life F**** repeatedly. Living with infinite questions.
I feel extremely disturbed and helpless today. Iiving most painful days all alone. The whole world is caught up in their own routines. There is not even single person to check how am I recovering. It clearly proved what was I to anyone. The world around me seems to be sinking. With all the courage, supressing my own struggles I was always upto check on people if they would need any help. People have been accusing me for every reason instead.
Today I'm driven with a reverse gear losing my reflexes, which used to be precise and sharp always. All my skills of impromptu poem composing, singing, mending this body to twists n turns is fading away.
What is the motivation for survival? Family? Friends? My students? My volunteers? My practice? My job Or My Master??
Whom to be grategul to? Whom to have this honour and gratitude for? Whom to keep this faith on? Whom to follow? Whom to weep for?
The people are betraying me yet again.
The ones I always counted on.
The ones I always loved.
The ones I always longed to be with.
The ones who completely depended on me.
The ones who took help from me.
The ones who always cared fir me.
The dots were laid in symmetry. Lines were joined simmetrically. Now the lines are wiped, so the dots gradually.
Mind is absolutely filled with self inquiry.
I have been living with my own disabilities from childhood that can not be cried out to anyone. All the humiliations, jealousy, selfishness of others, challenges of studying in local languages and the whole lot of struggle to pick up on English at the age I was suppose to be at job was the most challenging. Im not born with a special case. Im not been the beauty like other women out there. Im not even been an average girl. Im below the cut off line. The struggles of my life are nonending and has shed tremondous impact. None on this earth have tried to know me for any good reason.
Just like any other girl, with great dreams stepped into the court of marriage without knowing what life had to offer me. In speck of time, everything was tossed, fried and trashed. Haven't I tried to be upto everyone's expectation? Have I not transformed myself to fit in their lives? Have I ever escaped from my due duties? Where and when was I at fault?? Have I not been adapting myself to other's shoes? Have I not killed my own dreams and even the tiniest wishes? Have I not been available for help in anyway expected? What else is left with me that people would attack me as wolves and I could offer back?? Gradually something stuck my mind. Life is given by the Almighty, we have no right to give up without his consent. One can satisfy the needy but not the greedy.
Am I worth to be of anything et'll? Is it the seasons? I have lost the habit of interveining in others life unless they feel am worth to share their lifestory. Does that mean I dont care for them? Why can't people share on their own?? Do I need to repeatedly prove my love and concern? How tiring that could be?? Can people ever understand this??
In the long run people question my existance. They judge me easily. They take the liberty to accuse me, my lifestyle, my path, my Guru. What can I let go? Do they even know me a bit? Do they know my struggles? What a toll has this life taken over me? Being happy, being positive and smiling...I have uplifted myself..on my own without none to shoulder on.
Yet again I can see the same trend of my life.
People come and go out of my life at their wish. It's a freeway. Especially on the good move of their life, they tend to forget me easily. Not even a single line of courtesy. They stop communicating. They block me off easily. People are self centric, secretive, carry duality... what they show may not be what the real them. Whom can I have faith on??
Most painful is to get betrayed.
I feel worthless and shattered. Where have I gone wrong? How much more I can mend myself? It's tiresome. I expected people to be of a bit soft hearted to understand me. It's in vain. Total vain....
This looks to be the journey of life. It's full of selfish souls. They come, f*** you, and continue with their life happily. There is no value for love, care, concern. There is no value for relationships. My existence has no value.
Live with it untill the breath stops.
All that remains is emptiness. Total vaccum. Yet all that remains is my heart with the wellwishes to everyone for a reason. For a reason. Yes for a reason..
Futheron there will be no entry for anyone in my life..
Those who come with selfish motives...
Those who come to exploit me emotionally, physically or financially....
Those who try to give fake hopes and dreams....
Those who try to trick me off my vision in life...
Those who temporarily seek my support...
I won't be kind anymore for a reason world has no place for good souls. Let it die again again until it really dies. I will punish myself for the wrong deeds and the sins I did. Will die to the last breath.